4P Sunday - 01 The Modern Compass

I. Personal Muse…

I’ve been really mindful of how strict I am and if I’m turning into one of those disciplinarians that I used to loathe as a kid (friend’s parents more so than my own). There seems to be this really delicate balance between teaching them what is an acceptable behavior, based on where we are of course, and what’s beyond the pale. Sometimes my wife gives me the look and her eyes say to me, “loosen up.” I then think to myself, *is a kid sitting upside down with their feet in the air at a diner,* really acceptable behavior? Because sometimes when we are walking around Target, and I see other kids climbing the shelves like Godzilla trying to conquer the LEGO aisle, I’m so thankful that my kids are well-mannered little humans.

This is of course, extremely context dependent, and admittedly at a playground for example, almost anything is fair game (assuming they’re being kind and cool to other kids). Out in public, restaurants, etc. I find myself far more sensitive and mindful of those around us than other parents seem to be. So I’m curious, how do you all seem to balance the high-wire act of “let them be kids” and “if you don’t fix that behavior now, they’ll be monsters as teenagers?”

II. Ponder…

Article: Raising Hare: The Moving Story of How a Helpless Creature Helped a Workaholic Wake Up from the Trance of Near-living and Rewild Her Soul

Maria’s prose speak to me in a way few authors ever have. Her control of the English language is unparalleled. She somehow manages to tackle some of the most treacherous and mentally entangling concepts like the nature of mind, meaning of life, joys of love, etc and weave in a sort of lightness and elegance along the way. As an aspiring writer, it is intimidating as I can’t help but be skeptical that I will ever achieve such a level of brilliance with my words. Fortunately, I find it equally motivating as it shows what committing to a craft can lead to.

I’ll leave you with a few of my favorite segments from the article linked above - enjoy!

“Narrow the aperture of your attention enough to take in any one thing fully, and it becomes a portal to everything. Anneal that attention enough so that you see whatever and whoever is before you free from expectation, unfiltered through your fantasies or needs, and it becomes love. Come to see anything or anyone this clearly — a falcon, or a mountain, or a patch of moss — and you will find yourself loving the world more deeply.”

“One of life’s great cruelties is that quick decisions we make at a certain hour on a certain day, decisions we could have and would have made otherwise on a different day in a different state of mind, end up shaping the years and decades ahead, shaping our very self. One of life’s great mercies is that we never realize this at the crossing point of seemingly inconsequential choices — or else we would be paralyzed to take even the littlest step on the path of our becoming.”

III. Parent…

“To be a parent is to be chief designer of a product more advanced than any technology and more interesting than the greatest work of art.” — Alain de Botton

It’s funny how many of us in tech or, knowledge worker roles in general, are always faced with the complexities of innovation, hard problems, elusive solutions, etc…and yet how rare it is to realize that the most important dynamic system to familiarize ourselves is the one waiting at home for us. The one that has an infinite amount of possible outcomes, is so readily influenced by external inputs, and is capable of delivering a sense of satisfaction and joy that is truly ineffable.

What might we do differently if we were to take a step out of being “in the zone” all the time and realize that we truly are one of the chief designers. Might we be a bit more careful and calculated about what we’re saying, how we’re showing affectation, what we’re letting them watch on YouTube, etc?

IV. Perform…

Find your biggest levers and lean on them…

I’ve found there are a few things in my life that when I show up and do them consistently, they seem to signal to the rest of my world - start getting in line because it’s gametime. Cycling for example. When I am putting in an hour or so every day on the bike, the nutrition tends to follow (fueling and recovering is back on my mind), sleep is reprioritized, etc. and these are just the obvious and directly related things you’d expect to be focused on.

But what I’ve noticed is that when I’m cycling, because it adds such a sense of accomplishment to my day, it is far easier for me to be fully present with the kids no matter how mundane or boring the activity. I already got **my** important things done. I find I’m most impatient and anxious to get back to something “productive” when I failed to accomplish the important things. This is what I mean by finding your biggest levers and leaning on them.

My ask of you . . .

Share some of your anecdotes on how you manage the balance I wrote on earlier, between being a hardass and letting your kids run rampant. I’m always looking for ways to help gauge in any given moment, which is which.

Also, I’d love to hear what some of your largest levers are!

Signing out // a fellow tired and overly ambitious dad,
—Dave G

P.s. - If you enjoyed at least one thing from this week’s newsletter, I would genuinely appreciate it if you would send this off to anyone out there that may relate to it as well. Dads sharing with dads is the best way this community will grow - thank you !